I open my eyes
I close my eyes
When I opened my eyes
When I awoke
I believe I am awake
I believe I am awoke
When I awoke I opened my eyes
And all I could see was white
The white made me wonder if I had gone blind
But that surely is a dark colour, blindness.
I could see everything as one pale flatness.
I moved my eyes, I thought,
I thought I moved my eyes
trying to make out a shape
But all I could see was white. And a texture maybe. A paleness and a tiny undulating texture, like the shell of an egg or the edge of something.
I lay there.
I lie here, trying to feel my body. Testing, testing, testing to see if my body was here, with me, in the white. All the while. I sent messages. I sent electrical messages. I tried to feel my arms and my legs. And I could. What relief! I could feel them.
My limbs ached with a muscle memory. The memory of some great and unusual effort and I remembered the chase and I remembered the terrible noise of my blood in my ears.
Blood. In my ears.
I think I remembered a furious chase that pushed my body along a trajectory of which I was not in control. The chase. The chase. The chase. Looping over and over. Along a trajectory.
To be honest, the white blankness of my vision was a pleasant rest for my eyes.
For my body too.
The pale texture, as I tried to focus my vision on the nothingness, the pale texture started to undulate and define itself into a kind of space.
The white was a space that my body appeared to occupy entirely.
Its edges could be felt if I stretched a miniscule muscle in any direction.
My breathing was slow. I was beginning to relax. This is how it feels to relax.
I felt heavy and light at the same time. I felt as if I was floating in space. I felt as if I was buried, deep underground.
I closed my eyes. Memories of the chase, of panic and shocking speed rushed into my mind. I opened my eyes and welcomed the white.
I found I could move, a little. I moved my left arm a little and found that it had drifted right up above my head. I felt around and my head was covered in soft, downy hair. My nose was itchy and my teeth tickled.
At least I have a head I thought. At least I have a head.
I lie still. My eyes are open. They see only the white. I roll my eyes around in their sockets and the white offers no resistance.
I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I close my eyes. I open my eyes.
I feel that I am floating in space. I feel that I am buried deep underground. I feel that the lid is on. I cannot hear. Or maybe I hear nothing.
I wonder why I am alone, though I am grateful for it. It is unusual to be alone these days, it can be very expensive.
When I was a child, I was hypnotised by my dentist.